


Life & Times

by constellations (allyoop)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Alcohol, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fights, First Kiss, First Time, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sexual Content, Smut, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3347726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/constellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The life & times of James Tiberius Kirk<br/>a.k.a.<br/>A series of snapshots about his various drunken escapades, ill-advised love confessions, and the man who always stuck by his side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned; canonical character death.
> 
> This ends super happy though!
> 
> ((long time tumblr readers will recognize some of the scenes, but they are interwoven with new ones too))

Jim was _drunk_. He wasn’t tipsy with a sloppy walk, he wasn’t a little bit too much and too loose. He was deep down the rabbit hole, 4 drinks too many, probably going to black out with one more shot, type of drunk. And when James Tiberius Kirk got that drunk, he got _really really_  fixated on  _really really_  stupid things. 

"Bones! Bonesie Booonnnesss" His friend was currently in the process of hauling his very uncoordinated ass out of the bar. "Have I ever told you that Bones always made me think of boners?"

“Jim, I swear to god if you don’t shut your trap-"

"Hey, hey that’s  _mean_  Bones you can’t say that.” Bones turned on him, or as much as he could without dropping him, and gave him the highest eyebrow raise he’s ever seen. 

"And  _why_  can’t I be mean,  _Captain_?” Under normal circumstances, Jim would have heard the acidic sarcasm and known to stop talking, but Jim was no where near normal.

"You can’t be mean Bones because I  _love_  you. Didn’t you know, Leo?” Jim chuckled and lurched sideways in the resulting dizziness from his laugh. “Know…Leo… it’s a rhyme! I rhymed for you Bones. Leonard. Leo.”

Bones had gone scarily still at his side. “Jim. What did you just say?”

"Leo like a lion! You roar sometimes. And other times you’re all fluffy and cute looking." Jim felt himself being turned around, until he was facing his ‘lion’.

"Jim, I know you’re drunk, but do you realize what you just said? Are you  _joking_? Because that’s not something you should-“

"But Bones, I  _do_  love you. You’re my best friend and I don’t call just anyone that. You bail me out when I fuck up and you buy me a beer when I don’t. That’s like,” he punctuated his words with a wild hand movement, “both sides of the friendship coin. Bones, you’re the  _best_.” 

He was being tugged along again, strong arms keeping him upright. He leaned into the touch and he could hear a constant stream of “goddamn kid doesn’t know what he’s saying, too drunk to think…” and some tiny pinprick of light poked hard through his foggy brain.

"Oh! Oh,  _Bones_!”

"If you’re going to hurl, try to face away from me, will you?"

"No,  _Bones_. Bones I just got it!” And with great effort Jim spun to face him, both hands on his shoulders, trying to stand as steadily as he could. “Your phasers are set to stunning because you are  _stunning_.” And Bones just cackled, real laugher rolling out from him like it had been waiting for years. “Fuck, I messed that up! You’re stunning and your phasers are- I mean, you must be set to, FUCK!” Bones just reached out and patted his head, actually patted him like he was a child, and smiled that sarcastic half-smile that’s mostly made of eyebrows and a quirked lip. 

"It’s okay Jim. I understand."

And Jim just glowed, so happy that Bones  _got it_. Because if he tried to explain further he figured he’d just fuck it up even more. He allowed himself to be dragged back to the dorm and thrown unceremoniously on his bed because all he could think was  _I did the thing, I did it! And now Bones knows._


	2. Part II

Jim was a genius, an adrenaline-fueled, gut-feeling, cliff-treading mad genius. And when he got a handful of candy flavored shots in him, he was the type of tipsy that made his brain want to work out complex scientific theorems or plow through another section of quantum physics books at the library. His hands were restless and time felt slowed and he wanted to breathe it all in sharply and exhale words that could change the world. Of course the numbers he scrawled and the rambles he vocalized all sounded like nonsense to a layman, and sometimes they were.

He was currently determined to explain to Bones exactly how the first combustion engines worked. Bones was letting him prattle on, hands wildly punctuating each word, with a longsuffering look on his face.

“No no, Bonesy, it all boils down to chemistry and reactions and its _beautiful_.” Jim grinned; his body jingling with badly checked energy. He bounced closer into Bones’ personal space, arm looped around his back. “Its all about the spark. It’s a lot like relationships, actually.”

“Oh this oughta be good.” He really shouldn’t play with Jim when he was like this; it was dangerous. Jim was all loose limbs and free smiles and Bones wasn’t nearly sober enough to keep himself contained. He leaned into Jim’s easy touch anyways. “C’mon Jim, tell me how combustion is like a _relationship_.”

“Well, you start with a small space.” He scooted closer and his head lolled onto Bones’ shoulder. “Put in a little fuel and _ignite_ it.” Jim laughed at nothing, just needing the giggle to ease his breathing. His skin felt stretched taut over a feeling he couldn’t name and his brain was trying to dispel the fog to no avail. “But it won’t happen if you don’t have the spark. But when you do?” Jim mimicked a huge explosion, hands flying out and finding their way to land in Bones’ hair. “You get energy.”

Bones didn’t back away from the touch. “And do we have a spark?”

Jim lost count of the seconds he stared into his friend’s eyes, his mind trying to dig an answer out from somewhere he didn’t know, as he kept combing a slow hand through Bones’ hair. He half wondered why he was looking anyways. This felt right. He may be drunk and lonely and more than a little bit broken, but Jim knew in his gut that this was right.

“Yeah, Bones. We do.” 

They smiled crookedly at each other. The night was warm and their hands were warmer with the alcohol running below their skin. Jim leaned forward and knocked his forehead against Bones, trying to maintain eye contact but his vision was blurry at this distance.

“I can’t see myself.”

“Jim, what are you-“  
“I can’t see my reflection. I only see you. I only _ever_ see you.”

Bones’ breathy laugh tickled across Jim’s cheek. “You’re so drunk, kid.”

“So are you.” Jim felt the moment break and he wished he could eat his words and choke on them. Bones leaned back, a wrinkle forming on his brow.

“I _am_ drunk, Jim. We both are.” He stood up and the air felt cold again. “Let’s go back.” Bones offered Jim his hand and he gratefully took it, his legs unsteady from more than just the liquor’s influence. They held hands on the walk back, fingers entwined like a natural expression of the words they bit back on their lips. Bones hadn’t let go; he didn’t even consciously think about it. He gripped Jim’s hand like a tether and Jim held his like a white flag.

He could see the dorm complex peeking through the trees and Jim felt his legs stop; somewhere in his drunken brain was a siren, a warning that another step forward would break the spell. Bones paused beside him. Without looking, Jim raised their clasped hands and pressed a chaste kiss to Bones’ palm.

They slept in separate rooms that night, Jim’s sheets still crisp from their underuse. He was awake, so utterly awake, with the weight of unspoken words making his every breath feel a step closer to drowning. Jim wrapped the covers tighter and crawled farther into himself. His broken edges let too much slip and now he’s gone too far.


	3. Part III

They say never to drink when sad because it only makes everything echo. They were right. Didn’t stop Jim from adopting a devil may care attitude and challenging himself to a one-man taste test of every hard liquor the bar had.

He had snuck out the first chance he could right after classes ended on Friday, stopping only long enough to change into spare clothes at the campus gym. To say he had been avoiding Bones was an understatement. He had hacked into the hospital system earlier that week to memorize Bones’ schedule so Jim could be on the opposite side of campus as often as he could be. He couldn’t quite avoid the lectures he shared with him, not this close to exams, but he could sneak in seconds before class began and hide in the back row before Bones could spot him. It was a terrifyingly lonely week; no one to eat with, no one to share gossip with, no warm hands that constantly checked his health whether he wanted them to or not… To hide from Bones was to hide from everything, since so much of his life had become intertwined with his best friend’s. 

Jim slammed back tequila number five and tried to squeeze those last thoughts of Bones out of his mind like the lime wedge he was sucking on. A dumb metaphor, but Jim still grinned toothily around the lime in his mouth, enjoying his own dumb joke. He knew he looked a fool, but it was only apt he was starting to reflect what his reckless heart had turned him into. Jim Kirk was never a runaway type of guy; his body was hardwired to always fight, to never back away, to never give up. But he found himself in dire need to train his legs to run, because he was sure this wasn’t a problem he could solve with sheer stubbornness. Bones had stepped back. Bones had turned away. And Jim was the one that had pushed him too far.

He beckoned for the bartender to slide him another drink. He had nowhere to be. No _one_ to be with. Jim wanted to drink until he slept: passed out in a corner booth, or a bench, or some ill-owned couch. He wanted to drink until everything was water around him, dampened echoes and blurry faces. If he admitted it to himself (and of course he did, and then promptly ordered another drink) he was hiding from a lot more than Bones. But hiding from his own feelings was something he couldn’t just hack.

The bartender’s nod of acknowledgment to someone standing at his side should have been his first clue. But Jim was long past the drunk-Kirk stage of observation. The second clue should have been the scent. He knew it too well. It was all over his memories and in his dreams.

“You’re hard to find.”

Jim didn’t bother turning around. “I didn’t want you to find me Bones. Thought that was obvious.”

“There’s obvious and then there’s painfully clear.” He slid into the stool next to Jim, trying his best not to frown or swear or let slip any of the bubbles of frustration and pain that rolled inside of him. “Where have you been all week?”

He half shrugged. “Busy. Why does it matter?”

“Were you avoiding me because of last weekend?”

Jim swiveled in his stool and met Bones’ eyes straight on. He couldn’t help but glare a little. He had lost his reason somewhere in a bottom of shot glass. “Oh? And what happened last weekend? What _exactly_ went through your head? What made you stop us?”

“We were drunk.” Bones tried to keep the hurt out of his voice. He failed. “We shouldn’t make any decisions like that when drunk.”

“That’s not your choice.”

“Jim, I think that I-“

“No!” He stood up in his stool, palms on Bones’ thighs and leaning into his face. “You don’t get to make my decision. You don’t know what I want, don’t act like you know anything!”

He knew Jim’s temper was barely checked right now. “We should take this outside.”

“Sure!” He whirled back from Bones, all limbs and fiery words. “Take it out with the trash, leave it behind and just keep walking forward like it never happened. Just keep going and not looking back because _we shouldn’t do that when drunk_. There’s no ‘we’, you stole the ‘we’ when you decided for the both of us.”

Bones managed to throw money on the bar and push Jim out the door before being shoved back hard against the outside wall. “What the hell Jim?!” He pulled himself to full height and got in his face, not willing to pull anymore punches, not when Jim’s walls were six feet of stubborn steel. “You were the one avoiding _me_! What do you want me to say? What can I possibly do to make you shut up and _think_ for a goddamn second?”

“There’s nothing to think about! You’ve made yourself pretty damn clear.”

Bones’ groaned and wanted to shake him but opted to rub at his own temples instead. “Nothing clear is going on, don’t you see? We’re dancing around this goddamn subject and we’d rather have a fistfight than be the first to say-“

“Say what?” He pushed at Bones’ shoulders, making him look back at him. “What do you think is going on here, oh wise doctor?”

“Don’t be an idiot Jim. I’m older than you-“

“That has nothing to do with-“

“Let me finish!” Bones growled. Jim shut his mouth. “I’ve done the relationship song and dance and watched it go from good to god-awful like a burning house. So many mistakes were made, on both our parts, but even after all these years I still don’t know why…” He stepped back from Jim, feeling the anger subsiding into something darker, sadder. “There was real love there, and it soured. Don’t know why or when exactly, so I don’t know how to prevent it. I’m a _doctor_ , Jim. I find solutions, I fix things, I keep things from happening again. This?” He gestured between them. “If it breaks, it’s gone.”

“You don’t know that.” Jim’s voice was quiet, but the edge of desperation was still there. “We can bounce back. Can’t we try? Don’t we deserve to try?”

“We’re already too tangled, too involved in each other to ever let go. And if it fails and we try to go back to the way it was before, we’d just be clutching at broken pieces and cutting ourselves trying to fix it. And we can’t break clean, not without taking down half the damn world around us, dividing up suns and stars just to avoid an intertwined life again.”

“You’re not making any sense.” And even if he was, Jim’s drunken brain was processing at a quarter the usual speed.

“I’m just trying to say…” Bones shook his head. “Even I don’t see the sense. I only know what I feel, and we’re already too intense. When I’m with you it feels like that’s where I’m supposed to be; like all the trials and tribulations were just to get me to you, by your side. I don’t want to leave.”

Jim grabbed his hand before he could be swatted away. “Stay with me.”

“I want to and that’s the problem.” Bones pulled his hand away. “If we cross this line and we fuck it up, and lets be real. When’s the last time either of us had a healthy relationship? So when we fuck it up, then that’s _it_. We can’t be together anymore. I can’t be your CMO on your ship, you can’t be my captain, hell, I don’t think we could be in the same galaxy.”

“Why not?”

“I’d just keep running back to you.”

The intensity with which he said it made the phrase ring undeniably true to Jim’s ears. “We’re stuck together. That’s good though, right?”

“No, Jim. We’re just _stuck_.”

Even with the alcohol muddying his thoughts, he was starting to get what Bones was really saying. “And if one of us doesn’t feel like just doing the platonic thing anymore?”

“Then the other one should leave before we break each other’s hearts.” He frowned at the bitter taste of his own words. “I don’t know about you Jim, but I don’t think I have much heart left to take another deep break.”

There was only one thing left for Jim to do. _Flight_.

“Can we try this again tomorrow? Sober and awake and a little more alive?”

Bones attempted a smile but only accomplished a grimace. “Sure thing, Jim. Do you need help getting back to campus?”

“No, I’ll call a cab. I don’t want to bother you.”

He nodded curtly in response to Jim and turned to keep walking back from the bar. On his own. For the first time since he started at academy. It was horrible, that gut wrenching quicksand sink he was feeling. Bones was starting to think he might have lied. He didn’t have any heart left at all. He was leaving it behind on the sidewalk with Jim, having giving it to him on the shuttle all those years ago.


	4. Part IV

Bones couldn’t sleep. How could he, after that argument? That earth shattering admittance of everything he had been squashing, all those fears, now out in the open to Jim? He lay in bed just staring at the ceiling, watching the light slowly brighten as the sun dug itself out from the night and rose. It was a new day and he felt that deeply in his very marrow. He had so desperately not wanted anything to change, but just by confessing everything out loud to Jim he had shaken everything. Nothing was the same; they were both starting on uneven ground from here on. If it’s already shaky a tiny voice whispered why not just take it all the way? Why not just jump from this unstable ledge, and let yourself love him? He rolled over hard into his pillow, squeezing his eyes and breathing hard. Bones couldn’t let himself follow those dangerous thoughts. He didn’t have any untainted love left to give; and Jim deserved nothing but his best. When his alarm went off several awake hours later, Bones had already steeled his walls and strengthened his resolved. They were better as friends; nothing could be ruined if they never tried.

* * *

Jim slept against his will, his drunken blood pulling him under the second he hit the bed. He wanted to dream, wanted to kiss his best friend, wanted to imagine everything that could be.

But he didn’t. He slept in darkness and quiet, not even his thoughts showing him what he wanted. He awoke to light that screamed in his eyes well before his usual alarm would go off. Jim pulled his pillow over his eyes, wishing he could remember last night better, remember the exact tone of Bones’ voice, the exact facial expressions. He felt that he had been part of a life-changing conversation, yet his drunk edge had kept him from participating the way he should have, from saying what his heart was beating out so loudly. Despite a morse code echoing in his body, the words didn’t translate to his tequila sodden tongue and he was left feeling too full of words he should have said. Jim pressed the pillow harder into his face. It wasn’t the light keeping him up anymore.

He decided then and there, haunted by Bones’ heartbreak in his words that he would back off, that he would keep this platonic and friendly and casual between them.

They could continue being best friends, if he could just keep his feelings in check.

* * *

Bones stabbed him with a hypo, telling him he couldn’t leave him behind, that he needed to be on the Enterprise with him. Even as his tongue swelled and his brain went into red-alert panic, Jim’s breath was caught on those words _with me with me Jim you need to be with me_.

In the chaos he may have imagined it, but his ribs expanded to make room for his swelling heart; he needed it to be true.


	5. Part V

Jim was dying.

Jim was _dead_.

Bones, CMO and best friend, had missed it. Had missed the whole thing. He had arrived too late, arrived painfully too late. Jim was lying un-breathing on the other side of glass he couldn’t break open. They had to wait, second by awful second, until the room was decontaminated and it was safe to pull the captain out. He knew he was dead; he hadn’t moved or blinked in minutes. But Bones went to work, checking pulse, trying defib, trying to get Jim to breathe, _please Jim just breathe._

He collapsed, empty and shattered, watching the lifeless form of his captain, his friend, his love, being carried up to the medical wing. He half-heartedly gestured he’d meet them there. Bones, so good at thinking on his feet, a genius problem solver who didn’t know the meaning of _give up_ , he stayed on the cold floor for longer than he should have. Trying to pull himself together with each breath, trying to rebuild his bones from the inside out, just enough to stand and walk to the lifeless body he knew was waiting for him upstairs. He could barely live up to his title right now; he shooed everyone from the room, needing to see Jim like this on his own. Someone had thrown a sheet over his head and Bones pulled it back. With surgical precision, he made Jim a perfect bed, with the three pillows he was so fond of sleeping on. He shifted Jim carefully around until it was hard to tell he wasn’t just napping. Bones wasn’t proud of his actions; he was fully embracing his denial, running hand in hand with his delusions. Jim could be sleeping _he was sleeping dammit he isn’t dead. That much life can’t be dead_.

 

* * *

Bones didn’t sleep. It was a pattern when Jim was involved. He dug into his medikit for those staples from his academy days; shots of energy and caffeine, things to keep him running until his heart gave out. After too many hours and too many hypos, Bones had it. He choked on a laugh-sob, trying to keep the tears to a minimum as he squinted at the test results again.

He did it.

Jim might live.

 

* * *

He had held back, drifted aside as the crowd of friends-turned-family surged around their newly awoken captain. Jim was alive _alive!_ and every living thing on the ship was celebrating. Warm arms pulled Bones back into the crowd and deep gratitudes were quiet echoes around him. He only had eyes for that sunshine smile in front of him.

“Jim.”

“I hear thanks are in order.”

“Well, it wasn’t just me-“

“ _Doctor McCoy_.”

“Captain?”

“Thank you.”

Whatever dark pit that had been a vise on his gut suddenly exploded and relief surged over him, making his heartbeat fast and his face flush. Jim gave him a smile, a promise, a wish. The types of smiles he only ever saw towards him.

It had been so long _too long_ since he had seen that smile. Last time it appeared, they were still wearing reds.

 

* * *

 

There was a sharp knock on his office door. Jim’s head popped in.

“Time for a check up!”

Bones looked up from his paperwork, finding it difficult to hide the grin that lit his face whenever he saw the _alive! alive!_ captain nowadays.

“I’ll be right out. Just wait on any of the beds out there and-“

“I was thinking we could do a more private check up?” Jim returned the smile. “Since I really wanted to express my thanks. In private. With you.”

His mouth fell into a surprised little ‘oh!’. Bones tried to keep his desperate lonely heart from jumping to conclusions.

“You saved my life.”

“I would have done it for anyone.” He tried to shrug.

“I know you would have.” Jim was crossing the small space of the office quickly; reaching for Bones’ hand faster than he could keep up with. “Its just one of the reasons I love you.”

“Jim-?”

“Let me finish, please.” He pulled Bones up from his chair, wanting to face him eye-to-eye. “I died. I was legally _dead_. But you didn’t let that stop you. I don’t know what kind of crazy things you came up with, but you saved me. I’m here.”

Bones squeezed his hand. “I’m glad.”

“Me too. You know what I thought when I was dying? I didn’t regret anything, not really. I was happy to die if it meant that all of you lived; that my family, my crew could live. That _you_ could live.”

“Jim you got a point in here somewhere?”

He laughed. “Yeah, I just… I didn’t regret my life but I couldn’t help but imagine what heaven would be like, what I was leaving and heading towards. And you know what I saw?”

Bones was hesitant to answer. “What?”

“I saw you smiling. I saw us getting married, living together on a on old farm in Georgia, growing peaches and sipping iced tea well into old age. I saw a life for us; a life that to me, was the heaven I wanted to go to.”

He couldn’t respond; he could barely breathe. Jim’s hand was warm around his, and he could only look at their joined hands in stunned silence. What could he say? How could he possibly sum up this explosion of words and happiness in him into words that Jim could understand?

“Please say something, Bones.”

“I… I’m in your heaven?”

“No. You’re my home. When I died, I went _home_.”

Jim pulled him into a kiss, sweet and barely a whisper against his lips. They still held hands, tethered to each other even as their lips met properly for the first time, an unsure question still hanging in the air as their lips touched.

Bones pulled back a little, his whole body tingling with the sensation of _Jim! Alive, breathing, alive, kissing_ rang and vibrated in every molecule.

“I’m sorry.” Jim breathed. “I really wanted to do that. I’ve been wanting to forever.”

“No, I didn’t mean to stop.” Bones laughed breathlessly. “I’m just- I’m in shock. This is kind of unbelievable”

“I’m telling the truth. I’ve loved you for years; loved you enough to be friends when you wanted to, to keep things casual and safe… But I died and I lost whatever _safe_ meant. This is my second chance, please, let me kiss you.”

Bones grinned and pulled Jim tighter against him, hands ghosting up his sides, relishing the warm and steady body beneath his hands. “I was an idiot. Just kiss me and help me forget whatever doubts I once had.”

A glint flashed in Jim’s eyes. “That I can do.”


	6. Part VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the sex happens :)

The checkup was long forgotten. Somewhere between the now-wrecked desk in Bones’ office and the spacious captain’s quarters, they had forgotten whatever fake excuse Jim had used to appear at Bones’ door. They had quickly abandoned their wits in Bones’ office, rushing down the mostly abandoned night halls of the ship to get to Jim’ quarters. This had been a long time coming, years of denial and shushed feelings, and they wanted to do it properly, to give their love the room it deserved.

Now inside Jim’s room, Bones was at a loss for what to do. The bed looked inviting, with its tripled pillows and soft downy cover, but something about that white bed sheet, so clean in this artificial lighting, seemed so final.

“Lights, 10 percent.” Jim spoke up, startling Bones back into the moment.

“So, this is happening.”

“And we’re sober.”

A strange mix of painful memories and happy wishes swelled in his throat. The happy won him over. “We are. We are happily, unmistakably sober. Unless you could being a little high on each other…”

“I don’t know what you mean, Bones.” He stepped closer, running hands up Bones’ chest, landing at his neck and pulling him down to meet his lips. “Unless you mean _this_.” He kissed him, softly but sure. “This feeling.” He sucked at his bottom lip and let his free hand drop down and trace a slow line across Bones’ hips. “This taste.”

“Dammit, Jim.” He couldn’t help but let a little moan escape against Jim’s touch. It had been too long and his long suppressed emotions were roaring into focus, making it hard to keep from pushing Jim on the bed then and there. “You know exactly what I mean.”

Jim laughed against Bones’ neck, sending little shivers running up both of them. His fingers dipped under the hem of Bones’ shirt, ghosting along his stomach, a question about to form on his lips. Bones beat him to the punch. He leaned back and swiftly pulled his shirt off, tossing it aimlessly behind him.

“Your turn.”

Jim couldn’t get his shirt off fast enough. He stepped back towards Bones, wanting to reacquaint himself with that mouth, that skin. Everything was new and warm and he couldn’t stay still: wanting to find every spot that made Bones groan and gasp. He had just discovered that little spot along Bones’ jaw that made him moan Jim’s name when he felt two strong hands run down the planes of his back and lift him up suddenly. He wrapped his legs around Bones’ hips with a surprised laugh.

“Where we going?”

“General direction of the bed.” Bones walked them towards those white sheets and dropped Jim gently on the bed. He perched above him, knees on either side of Jim’s legs, looking suddenly at a loss.

“You won’t break me.” Jim offered.

“What?”

“You’re being so gentle, I just thought-“

“I’m happy.” He leaned forward, pressing a light kiss to Jim’s lips. “I didn’t think we’d ever get here, didn’t think there’d be a world where we could be together and figure it out.”

He threw his arms around Bones’ shoulders and pulled him down into a proper kiss, all heat and tongue and gasps for breath. In a moment of distraction, Jim easily rolled them over and settled himself between Bones’ legs. He couldn’t stop the stupid grin from filling his face.

“Stop thinking, Bonesy, and just _do_.”

He ran warm hands up and down Jim’s back, loving the way the muscles shifted beneath his touch. His hands settled at the dip just above the line of Jim’s pants, suddenly wishing they could grab that famous ass without those clothes covering it. “Are you asking if-?”

He rolled his hips slowly against Bones’, relishing the heated friction of cock against cock. “What do you want?”

“I want _you_ Jim.” It was the honest truth. After all these years together but still apart, all he wanted was _everything_. Every kiss, every warm hand, every moment they had denied themselves. And for what? To not get heartbroken again? Bones no longer cared: this was a love worth risking everything for.

“You’re a sap.” He kissed and sucked a line down Bones’ neck making him squirm underneath him. Jim tried to map every inch of that chest below him, find every freckle and every flaw, and mark it with a kiss. He wanted Bones to know how happy he was, how grateful to finally have him ready and willing. He worked his way down to the sharp edge of Bones’ hip that disappeared below his pants. Jim looked up to make eye contact before taking that next step.

Bones’ eyes were intensely staring at him, have been for a while, watching as Jim had trailed lower. His heart was about to burst from his ribs, so full of every smile and kiss and bite that Jim had gladly given him.

“I love you.”

“Oh!” Jim didn’t know why he was surprised. He had known, had sensed it years ago, but hearing it out loud… “I wanted to say it first.”

“But you did! At least three times.”

Jim paused, hands still hovering just above Bones’ fly. “Wait, what?”

“You tend to profess your love for me when you’re drunk. And you said it back in my office. And when-“

“How long ago did I first-?”

“Five, maybe six years ago.”

He plunked his forehead onto Bones’ stomach, feeling a swirl of a lot of things including embarrassment. “You’ve known this whole time.”

A hand carded through his hair and cupped his jaw.

“No, Jim. _You_ knew. You were so sure, so amazingly sure of your love. It was me that took forever to meet you there.”

“I’m glad you joined me.”

“Best damn decision.” He reached for Jim’s hand and pressed it against his straining erection. “Speaking of decisions, didn’t we decide to _stop thinking_?”

Jim made quick work of Bones’ zipper and tugged pants and boxers down in one movement. Cliché or not, he couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight below him. Bones was relaxed, open and naked on the bed, a full body flush already tinting his skin. Jim wanted to see how pink that flush could go. Without warning his dipped his head down and mouthed at the head of Bones’ cock, pushing his hips down when they bucked up at the touch. With one hand keeping his waist steady, Jim sank his mouth down on that heavy cock, going as far as he could before sucking off with a pop. He grinned at Bones’ stifled gasping noises and rubbed a reassuring hand on his stomach.

“Its just me. Be as loud as you want.”

“ _Fuck_ , its not loudness I’m trying not to-“

Jim licked up his cock, sucking at the sensitive head and Bones tried to thrust into the touch but was held steadfast by Jim’s arm. He reached out suddenly, running a hand through Jim’s hair, and pulling his head back.

“Can’t you see I’m trying not to fucking come? This is a lot and I haven’t in a while and - _goddammit Jim-_ I don’t want to come until you’re in me and we’re screaming each other’s names.”

“Yeah I can-“ His breath was coming fast just from the passionate look Bones was giving him with those lust-blown eyes. “I can do that.”

He scrambled to the side of the bed, kicking off his pants and boxers, and reached in the nightstand for lube and a condom. Now back on top of Bones, he let his eyes roam the man beneath him. They’ve known each other for years; were roommates for half of that and he was familiar with Bones’ body. But this was something new, something _gorgeous_. He ran his hands slowly up his thighs, making Bones’ shift his legs further apart. He felt shaky with anticipation.

“Just fuck me.” Bones’ voice was a whiskey whisper and Jim felt that accent make his blood run hot. “I can take it. I _need_ you.”

He dripped some lube into his palm, warming it up over his fingers. He slowly traced Bones’ hole before slipping a finger inside that tight heat. Jim worked him slowly open, adding another finger only when he felt Bones’ relax around him. The moans were growing more frequent as Jim rubbed harder and crooked his finger to hit that sweet spot. He slipped in a third finger and placed a comforting kiss to Bones’ inner thigh.

“Need you too.”

“If that’s the case,” He was breathing hard but still attempted to scowl at Jim. “Then speed this up and get in me already.”

Laughing, he pulled his fingers out and Bones gasped at the missing touch. Jim quickly rolled the condom over his own hard cock, adding some lube and barely resisting the urge to thrust into his own fist. Bones had him craving friction and heat, and his stomach tightened at just the thought. He tilted Bones up and he wrapped his legs around Jim’s waist, drawing them closer. Jim lined himself up and leaned over, cock just lightly brushing Bones’ entrance, and pulled him into a messy kiss before thrusting into him. They moaned into each other’s mouths. It was hot and tight and so _good_. He started working up a rhythm, thrusting as hard and as deep as he could. Bones kept grasping at Jim’s back, pushing him to do _more, god please more_ with a throaty moan against his ear. The bed shook with their efforts, Bones almost bent double beneath Jim, legs now thrown over his shoulders.

“So good, Bones.” He couldn’t help but let the praises roll off his tongue. “Glad you’re letting me – _god-_ so tight, feels so good.”

“Jim I want-“ He pushed at the man above him. “Let me.” Bones deftly rolled them over and sank down onto Jim’s cock before either of them missed the contact. He rolled up and down against him, strong thighs lifting him almost all the up before sinking hard back on Jim. It was fast and dirty and all Jim could manage to do was thrust to meet Bones and grab at his thighs. Jim felt his stomach tighten just watching those gorgeous muscles flex above him, Bones riding him hard, growing increasingly louder with each thrust.

“I’m so close.” He ran his hands up Bones’ chest, cupping his neck and pulling him down. “Just wanna come in you.”

“Please.” He sucked at Jim’s lip, working himself down on his cock even harder. “You feel so good in me, so big; filling me up. _God_ please just come hard in me.”

With a barely coordinated hand, Jim reached down to take Bones’ cock in his hand, pumping it in time to each thrust. He wanted them to come together. Bones was moaning his name over and over and he came with a shout into Jim’s hand and across his stomach, clenching in spasms around Jim. That pushed Jim off the edge; the heated friction tight around his cock made him come with a hard thrust up into Bones. They rode out the aftershocks, barely catching their breaths in the sweaty, sticky air. Bones pulled off him, immediately missing that full feeling. He collapsed across Jim, tangling his legs and nuzzling against his neck, comfortable and worn out.

“Are you a cuddler, Bones?” Jim stroked his hair, loving this relaxed version of Bones in his arms.

“Mmm, what if I am?” He placed a lazy kiss to Jim’s jaw. “I’ll be whatever you want right now. I’m just happy to be here.”

“Me too.” He wrapped his arms to hold Bones in place. He could feel himself drifting off already. “Why didn’t we do this earlier?”

“’Cause we’re both idiots.” Bones reached backwards haphazardly and threw a sheet over both of them.

“Well now we can be idiots _together_.”

He got a mumbled response; Bones too wiped out to even say words. They fell asleep, limbs jumbled and hearts beating in sync. Tomorrow would be a new start, kinder and brighter. And if there was trouble down the road, they were pretty sure their oft-broken hearts would stay whole and unhurt if they faced it together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Consider this a lovey-dovey Valentines gift from me to you :)
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated.


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